i supposed to be grateful no matter how hard my life is. it’s just i really hate growing up. since turning 18 i lost my dream. i don’t know what to do in the future. i lost my passion. i hate the fact that each of my friends have goals, have ideal job after their graduation. this lonely feeling keep coming everytime i’m surrounded by them. they care about me. they do. it’s just me who can not be open to them. i have no courage to face them, to hear their ambitious plans, to see bright eyes everytime they talk about their dream. it feels like, i am the only person that keep slowing down day after day. it feels like, i am the only useless person on earth. i’ve never wanted to be this kind of human. no. i want my life to be meaningful. but… it’s getting hard. it’s just so… hard… i want to be helped. i want to be heard. but the demon inside me keep saying that i can’t trust them who give their hand. i really, really, want to be helped. i don’t want to be left alone. i am trying to ask for help… but… the world seems like too busy to listen to me. and if it so, i am not angry to them. i know, they have dream and don’t want to be distracted by unimportant person like me. no, i am not dissappointed. if one day i being left alone, i wouldn’t be angry. because i know it’s all my fault. the problem is in me. my friends are always nice. i don’t want to disturb them. i am not important. i know. i hate being weak. i hate myself who keeps crying. and i hate me; who always pretend to be happy in front of people; who hide tears behind fake smile; who acts like nothing wrong happened, like everything is fine. i am scared. i am scared. and i am so sorry for writing this. i am sorry i can’t be strong enough. i am sorry.